On purses

Tonight Courtney reminded me of freshman year, when I started out still carrying my purse around all the time. And at the time, I liked it a lot. I didn't even feel complete without it oh MAN DO I HAVE TO RETYPE EVERY WORD WITH AN "H" IN IT AND WHAT EXACTLY GOT UNDER THIS KEY?

Anyway. Looking back, I know that that purse was cumbersome, unnecessary, inefficient; it restricted my movement, my lifestyle. And for better or worse, the sad fact is that I don't love it anymore.

This is not an ethical issue for others to judge. This is part of my life, and in my life I am glad to have moved on. Maybe someday I'll settle down with another purse that meets my needs. In the time being, I'm happy with a cheap wallet.

Stuck!

Driving the interstate on my way back to Michigan this year, I came across one of the species that could be called the law-abiding train-- recognizable by the police car embedded in the midst of several normal ones. This particular one travelled at about sixty-four miles an hour. (The speed limit was seventy.)

I couldn't really get to the alarm clock stuffed into a laundry bag in my back seat, but I had an idea of the time, and I was already running late.

I have passed police car trains at perfectly legal speeds.

"I'm gonna pass this thing," I said to myself. "See ya."

Well, I would have done exactly that... before. Before the first pull-over and probably even after it. But probably not after the third one and definitely not the fourth.

I couldn't do it.

I'm losing my edge.

Seen and unforseen

Early January: In a discussion over the kitchen table with Dad and Marty, I revealed that I had flunked an English class. That is pretty flammable material. My revelation was deliberate, if not... planned, and I'm very pleased to say that I wasn't afraid of their reactions at all.

Dad actually surprised me. As I'd predicted, he couldn't help but get in a little dig by the end of the night, but I think he sees me as more human since coming into such knowledge. I think his mild distaste was combined with a new warmth.

I guess there are other ways I could have shown him I'm human, such as dismantling my torso and handing him my organs, but I see elements there that might distract from the main point.

Gold in the clay

Not sure if it matters
But you're still magnetic
When your pieces are scattered
And have no direction
It must be the way
Of the stuff you're comprised of
Like gold in the clay
When it loses its shine
Love is diseased

Erythraeum

Seven shadows grim and tall
Grow and focus on the wall of
Water sculpted in the sky
Thicker than our blood

If creatures breach the fluid dam
And in the ancient cradle land
Clay will fill the vacant eyes
Bones lie in the mud

Turn the fevered wails to ash
God, the demon faces laugh
Stitched with cravings of our past
Vomiting our grime

To our backs the sun erupts
Scalds a name into the dust
Were our faces not our masks
We could see it climb

Mottled clouds of frosty black
Of what we carried on our backs
Our captors' monuments and tombs
A stranger's barren spires

Will we hold the children's hands
Turn in feeble trust again
Feel the rush of light consume
Flood our eyes with fire

Wish list (with nods to Kelly)

I wish I were funny, like Kelly.

I wish I could write powerfully, like Courtney.

I wish I could write at all lately.

I wish I had done more in high school apart from the computer-- read more, written more, talked about more.

I wish I could really wish for that last one, since my knowledge of computers has been awfully helpful sometimes.

I wish it were easier to be single.

I wish it were easier to be a girl.

I wish I weren't so hard on myself.

Trust

Well, you finally did it. You made it snow, really snow, for the first time this season.

With the snow come the couples. Yesterday, Romance would drift by in its usual way, slowly spiralling through the campus like bits of cotton candy. Today Romance is a bloody ASSAULT, exploding like a screaming hurricane from every corner of the sky.

Except mine, of course.

I recovered from my distress this time, though, faster than ever. I've walked a circle in this place and I'm where I was almost exactly a year ago. Which, by the way, is a great memory. I can see myself sitting in my chair beside the window, staring out at the parking lot, and waxing wordy in the dark. I can see myself making a meticulous little journal entry which, in hindsight, isn't expressed that well. But it's still cute. And at least I got your point.

Metamorphosis: an abridged sonnet

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate--
I still cannot claim my condition is so horrible.
To wake as a dung beetle is far more deplorable.

Yep-ee-KAH-duf

69) Courtney fiddles around with other people's stuff in their absence.
70) Courtney and Kelly listen to me babble... reasonably often.
71) According to the Onion, Kansas has outlawed the "practice of evolution".
72) Tumble Bees is still an amazing game.
73) Roce. adj. 1. Uncomfortable, sticky. 2. (esp. of weather) Humid, warm, wet.
74) The top of Jordan's head always smells the same. It's a lot of fun to kiss.
75) Mother corrects herself when she uses "fun" as an adjective.
76) Kelly and Courtney really like Disney movies.
77) Karleigh is growing up.
78) So am I.
79) I like haiku. (I became aware of that yesterday.)
80) Matt Ford bringing the puzzle page of the paper into World Lit and pretending not to like the Jumble so that I can do it = good times.
81) Justin hangs out with B Martin.
82) My family were glad to see me on Thanksgiving break.
83) When one dresses a cat in a small sweater, it will suddenly lose its motivation to do anything but slink and sit awkwardly.
84) Mother makes our house welcoming by keeping it clean, lighting candles, and playing music.
85) For all practical purposes, Kelly's mom has an entire wall composed of necklaces she beaded herself. Oh yes. And they're organized by color.
86) Elijah Wood makes a really convincing, annoying Yasha, but Alan Rickman makes a really COOL Yepihodov.

The malevolent beast

I noticed something: Not only am I critical of myself, but I also criticize myself for being critical of myself. I then criticize myself for that criticism.

This cannot continue.

Play-Doh

51) Kelly appreciates the sweet, sweet appeal of tiny photos.
52) She also keeps me up, talking, at night.
53) Simba smells just like China.
54) I can have a good conversation with a friend who isn't even old yet. And I do.
55) Court asked for John Golden's thoughts about Plato, and he replied, "It dries up."
56) Knitting is so satisfying, for some reason.
57) Only about 35 more days are between Brayden and me.
58) I figured out how to like my handwriting.
59) Jenny's gonna sing at Celebrate Recovery with Justin and Mother!
60) My mother enjoys her life.
61) Get Fuzzy is such a cute comic.
62) Also enjoyable is drawing makeup on pictures of male celebrities.
63) Jeremy used to have long hair. (This is COMPLETELY UNRELATED to #62.)
64) After we first read it, I kept misspelling "Odyssey".
65) Few things feel so incredible or look so ridiculous as a good stretch.
66) I get to brush my teeth every day.
67) Jordan's teacher says he's respectful toward both students and adults, and gentle.
68) Dad is so proud of Jordan.

I'm more of a hugger

I decided that my bowling name is "Hugs and Kisses", because for whatever reason, I get mostly X's and 0's.

Well, probably more 0's than X's.

I don't like the way I'm forced to use those apostrophes, but we can't have everything, can we?

News article

Well, it does not appear that she is going to post it herself, so here's tonight's cover story:


Rochester College student is the Devil

Young Amanda Webb's suspicions were, arguably, confirmed in an eerie exchange at a Taco Bell drive-thru Sunday night.

As the story goes, former roommate Courtney Jenko inquired after the well-being of an unnamed male employee, whose only legitimate task at the time was to take an order from the two girls. His response? He was feeling "diabolical".

"I honestly wish I could just pass it off as a joke," comments Amanda Webb, Jenko's passenger, who witnessed the conversation. Her voice trembles with disbelief. "And I was going to. But I-- she-- it..." She breaks off, unable to give us more information, possibly out of fear for her own life.

The rest of the story becomes frighteningly, elaborately clear when Webb reveals the Taco Bell receipt. The bill, totalling the prices of two chalupas, two hard (crunchy?) tacos, a large soft drink, and several packets of mild sauce, comes to six dollars and sixty-six cents.

Yes, you read that right.

Later that night, Rochester College, where Jenko is a student and a "Resident Advisor", experienced a strange power outage that lasted nearly half an hour. Jenko's behavior came across as concerned, almost parental, says Webb. But for now, the true nature of her furrowed brow can only be a source of speculation.

And she will crush your head

2 OCTOBER: A MONDAY

Amanda Webb: *needs to go to class*

Air Base Squadron: *is blocking the lobby door, unaware*

Amanda Webb: *slides silently past just in time*

Air Base Squadron: [enthusiastically] Hi, Amanda!

Amanda Webb: *is already yards away* Hullo!

Amanda's inner Hydra: Mwahaha! ACTUALLY, I'M SCARED.



3 OCTOBER: A TUESDAY

Abominable Snowman: What's wrong? What's your deal?

Amanda Webb: WHOA HELLO OUT OF NOWHERE pull out the headphones what else have you been saying ...What?

Abominable Snowman: Do I scare you or what?

His eyes are uncharacteristically searching and humorless.

Amanda Webb: ...

Fear: *sweeps in like a scaly dragon and perches in her heart, bringing with it an unexpected cover of calm expressionlessness*

Amanda Webb: I don't know how to say it... uh. No. No, you don't scare me. *smiles*

Amanda Webb's guts: SELF DESTRUCT! SELF DESTRUCT!!

Enter: characteristic cheerful Abominable demeanor.

Abominable Snowman: Okay!

Amanda continues to the cafeteria, where she finds it just a shade difficult to hold a drinking glass still.



27 OCTOBER: A FRIDAY

Ancient Serpent: Blablabla and it was-- AMANDA! ...How are you?

Amanda Webb: *is phenomenal*

Amanda Webb: I'm good, actually. How are you?

Ancient Serpent: Good, good. *literally holds out his hand*

Amanda Webb: *shakes it and laughs*

Amanda's hand: I'm not even tingling; can you believe it?

Assembly: *commences*

Windows Media Player: Rob Bell!

Ancient Serpent: Yaddayadda, something about the Yankees when *swipes his card* they didn't even play, Amanda.

Amanda Webb: *smiles and moves on*

Random insertion of Amanda's name: I feel so unimposing and powerless.



Impressive? Headway? I'd say so.

Beloved

Don't sleep--
Before the mist
Enfolded his ship
Your fingers were not so limp.
Shivering joy
In your glass,
Eternal grace
In your veins,
Runs clear and sweet and
Older than the monstrous sea.
Don't sleep--
Your lusty youth
Forms colorless pools,
Wells up from your skin--
Sweating and cold
Like a stone,
Hollow and aged
Like a shell.
Don't wash away.
I will bathe your face
And dress your eyes with dew--
And he will brush your cheek.
We will watch when
Your honeyed breath,
Imperishable,
Shivers
And begins again.

"Don't chew ice; you'll get diarrhea!"

38. Poppy Don went to North Carolina with us.
39. Sherrill loves me.
40. The color palette outside my dorm window, and the stars through a polluted night, are traces of a dying world-- but they are gorgeous.
41. Steve Corp is gentlemanly.
42. I don't have a disease, an infection, or even a cold right now.
43. Halloween is coming.
44. Crash is a really good movie.
45. I liked watching it with Courtney and Kelly (and Nikki, there, for the last couple of minutes).
46. Kelly confides in me occasionally. I don't know why.
47. My left shoelace is black. My right shoelace is blue.
48. Eating ice is so much fun.
49. I love reading out loud with other people.
50. Courtney started a knitting fad among the students.

Such the hater

At about eight o'clock tonight, I went on a walk around campus.

Partly because it's so quiet here during fall break, and it's cold, and the moon was really pretty, and my headphones were pumping "Falling Inside the Black" into my brain, and I knew I had to do a little pseudo-dancing behind the cafeteria.

But mostly because I hate this Gilgamesh paper more than anything else right now.

Turn the window off

I love agreeing with people. Especially with Courtney because, you know, it only happens about 28% of the time.

So... here goes.


Why You are Awesome!

Brandon Young is so good to be around. I haven't heard this guy say one mean thing, as far as I can remember. And he doesn't try to project some kind of "cool" version of himself. He's just cool because that's the way it is.
- It was hilarious when he just decided to buzz all his hair off.
- I have never been able to high-five any other male. (Of course, I could just say "any other person" because males are the only ones who initiate high-fives.)
- I almost forgot! He's majoring in music and he sings bass. I barely believed that last part until I heard it. Like, whoa.

Kristen Landenberger cracks me up. I wish she lived on campus.
- Talks to me before, after and sometimes during science class. This is priceless.
- Facial expressions.
- She is so responsible. It's kinda sickening, actually. But in a good way.


Courtney just said, "Turn the window off." I could not neglect to record that.

Crabby's just icing on the cake

Haven't forgot my own intention to continue that list.

26. I've got Jolly Ranchers.
27. Pop Rocks, as well.
28. Pencils and paper just pulse with life, don't they?
29. I am so less afraid than I was a year ago.
30. David Brackney. (Yes, that is a sentence! Leave me alone!)
31. I went on a walk with Sherrill once, somewhere in North Carolina, along a beach. I picked up a hermit crab and named it Alan.
32. Muffitt used to record cartoons onto VHS tapes and save them for my visits.
33. Courtney brought me into the fabric store so that she could use two coupons at once.
34. The Skillet cd comes out in about thirty hours.
35. I'm wearing nail polish. Well, except on one thumb.
36. I discovered today that I can bypass the ladder and switch directly from my bunk bed to the floor, and it is FUN.

Sunday nights are a peculiar color

Hmm... ibuprofen is starting to taste good to me. I would call this a foreboding sign.

I really want to write a story of some kind, but I don't know what I'd write. Maybe I should start with a very short fiction drawn directly from something real, so I can flex my brain without having to invent too much.

I miss my family.