I wish I were funny, like Kelly.
I wish I could write powerfully, like Courtney.
I wish I could write at all lately.
I wish I had done more in high school apart from the computer-- read more, written more, talked about more.
I wish I could really wish for that last one, since my knowledge of computers has been awfully helpful sometimes.
I wish it were easier to be single.
I wish it were easier to be a girl.
I wish I weren't so hard on myself.
Well, you finally did it. You made it snow, really snow, for the first time this season.
With the snow come the couples. Yesterday, Romance would drift by in its usual way, slowly spiralling through the campus like bits of cotton candy. Today Romance is a bloody ASSAULT, exploding like a screaming hurricane from every corner of the sky.
Except mine, of course.
I recovered from my distress this time, though, faster than ever. I've walked a circle in this place and I'm where I was almost exactly a year ago. Which, by the way, is a great memory. I can see myself sitting in my chair beside the window, staring out at the parking lot, and waxing wordy in the dark. I can see myself making a meticulous little journal entry which, in hindsight, isn't expressed that well. But it's still cute. And at least I got your point.
When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate--
I still cannot claim my condition is so horrible.
To wake as a dung beetle is far more deplorable.
69) Courtney fiddles around with other people's stuff in their absence.
70) Courtney and Kelly listen to me babble... reasonably often.
71) According to the Onion, Kansas has outlawed the "practice of evolution".
72) Tumble Bees is still an amazing game.
73) Roce. adj. 1. Uncomfortable, sticky. 2. (esp. of weather) Humid, warm, wet.
74) The top of Jordan's head always smells the same. It's a lot of fun to kiss.
75) Mother corrects herself when she uses "fun" as an adjective.
76) Kelly and Courtney really like Disney movies.
77) Karleigh is growing up.
78) So am I.
79) I like haiku. (I became aware of that yesterday.)
80) Matt Ford bringing the puzzle page of the paper into World Lit and pretending not to like the Jumble so that I can do it = good times.
81) Justin hangs out with B Martin.
82) My family were glad to see me on Thanksgiving break.
83) When one dresses a cat in a small sweater, it will suddenly lose its motivation to do anything but slink and sit awkwardly.
84) Mother makes our house welcoming by keeping it clean, lighting candles, and playing music.
85) For all practical purposes, Kelly's mom has an entire wall composed of necklaces she beaded herself. Oh yes. And they're organized by color.
86) Elijah Wood makes a really convincing, annoying Yasha, but Alan Rickman makes a really COOL Yepihodov.
I noticed something: Not only am I critical of myself, but I also criticize myself for being critical of myself. I then criticize myself for that criticism.
This cannot continue.
51) Kelly appreciates the sweet, sweet appeal of tiny photos.
52) She also keeps me up, talking, at night.
53) Simba smells just like China.
54) I can have a good conversation with a friend who isn't even old yet. And I do.
55) Court asked for John Golden's thoughts about Plato, and he replied, "It dries up."
56) Knitting is so satisfying, for some reason.
57) Only about 35 more days are between Brayden and me.
58) I figured out how to like my handwriting.
59) Jenny's gonna sing at Celebrate Recovery with Justin and Mother!
60) My mother enjoys her life.
61) Get Fuzzy is such a cute comic.
62) Also enjoyable is drawing makeup on pictures of male celebrities.
63) Jeremy used to have long hair. (This is COMPLETELY UNRELATED to #62.)
64) After we first read it, I kept misspelling "Odyssey".
65) Few things feel so incredible or look so ridiculous as a good stretch.
66) I get to brush my teeth every day.
67) Jordan's teacher says he's respectful toward both students and adults, and gentle.
68) Dad is so proud of Jordan.
I decided that my bowling name is "Hugs and Kisses", because for whatever reason, I get mostly X's and 0's.
Well, probably more 0's than X's.
I don't like the way I'm forced to use those apostrophes, but we can't have everything, can we?
Well, it does not appear that she is going to post it herself, so here's tonight's cover story:
Rochester College student is the Devil
Young Amanda Webb's suspicions were, arguably, confirmed in an eerie exchange at a Taco Bell drive-thru Sunday night.
As the story goes, former roommate Courtney Jenko inquired after the well-being of an unnamed male employee, whose only legitimate task at the time was to take an order from the two girls. His response? He was feeling "diabolical".
"I honestly wish I could just pass it off as a joke," comments Amanda Webb, Jenko's passenger, who witnessed the conversation. Her voice trembles with disbelief. "And I was going to. But I-- she-- it..." She breaks off, unable to give us more information, possibly out of fear for her own life.
The rest of the story becomes frighteningly, elaborately clear when Webb reveals the Taco Bell receipt. The bill, totalling the prices of two chalupas, two hard (crunchy?) tacos, a large soft drink, and several packets of mild sauce, comes to six dollars and sixty-six cents.
Yes, you read that right.
Later that night, Rochester College, where Jenko is a student and a "Resident Advisor", experienced a strange power outage that lasted nearly half an hour. Jenko's behavior came across as concerned, almost parental, says Webb. But for now, the true nature of her furrowed brow can only be a source of speculation.
2 OCTOBER: A MONDAY
Amanda Webb: *needs to go to class*
Air Base Squadron: *is blocking the lobby door, unaware*
Amanda Webb: *slides silently past just in time*
Air Base Squadron: [enthusiastically] Hi, Amanda!
Amanda Webb: *is already yards away* Hullo!
Amanda's inner Hydra: Mwahaha! ACTUALLY, I'M SCARED.
3 OCTOBER: A TUESDAY
Abominable Snowman: What's wrong? What's your deal?
Amanda Webb: WHOA HELLO OUT OF NOWHERE pull out the headphones what else have you been saying ...What?
Abominable Snowman: Do I scare you or what?
His eyes are uncharacteristically searching and humorless.
Amanda Webb: ...
Fear: *sweeps in like a scaly dragon and perches in her heart, bringing with it an unexpected cover of calm expressionlessness*
Amanda Webb: I don't know how to say it... uh. No. No, you don't scare me. *smiles*
Amanda Webb's guts: SELF DESTRUCT! SELF DESTRUCT!!
Enter: characteristic cheerful Abominable demeanor.
Abominable Snowman: Okay!
Amanda continues to the cafeteria, where she finds it just a shade difficult to hold a drinking glass still.
27 OCTOBER: A FRIDAY
Ancient Serpent: Blablabla and it was-- AMANDA! ...How are you?
Amanda Webb: *is phenomenal*
Amanda Webb: I'm good, actually. How are you?
Ancient Serpent: Good, good. *literally holds out his hand*
Amanda Webb: *shakes it and laughs*
Amanda's hand: I'm not even tingling; can you believe it?
Assembly: *commences*
Windows Media Player: Rob Bell!
Ancient Serpent: Yaddayadda, something about the Yankees when *swipes his card* they didn't even play, Amanda.
Amanda Webb: *smiles and moves on*
Random insertion of Amanda's name: I feel so unimposing and powerless.
Impressive? Headway? I'd say so.
Don't sleep--
Before the mist
Enfolded his ship
Your fingers were not so limp.
Shivering joy
In your glass,
Eternal grace
In your veins,
Runs clear and sweet and
Older than the monstrous sea.
Don't sleep--
Your lusty youth
Forms colorless pools,
Wells up from your skin--
Sweating and cold
Like a stone,
Hollow and aged
Like a shell.
Don't wash away.
I will bathe your face
And dress your eyes with dew--
And he will brush your cheek.
We will watch when
Your honeyed breath,
Imperishable,
Shivers
And begins again.
38. Poppy Don went to North Carolina with us.
39. Sherrill loves me.
40. The color palette outside my dorm window, and the stars through a polluted night, are traces of a dying world-- but they are gorgeous.
41. Steve Corp is gentlemanly.
42. I don't have a disease, an infection, or even a cold right now.
43. Halloween is coming.
44. Crash is a really good movie.
45. I liked watching it with Courtney and Kelly (and Nikki, there, for the last couple of minutes).
46. Kelly confides in me occasionally. I don't know why.
47. My left shoelace is black. My right shoelace is blue.
48. Eating ice is so much fun.
49. I love reading out loud with other people.
50. Courtney started a knitting fad among the students.
At about eight o'clock tonight, I went on a walk around campus.
Partly because it's so quiet here during fall break, and it's cold, and the moon was really pretty, and my headphones were pumping "Falling Inside the Black" into my brain, and I knew I had to do a little pseudo-dancing behind the cafeteria.
But mostly because I hate this Gilgamesh paper more than anything else right now.
I love agreeing with people. Especially with Courtney because, you know, it only happens about 28% of the time.
So... here goes.
Why You are Awesome!
Brandon Young is so good to be around. I haven't heard this guy say one mean thing, as far as I can remember. And he doesn't try to project some kind of "cool" version of himself. He's just cool because that's the way it is.
- It was hilarious when he just decided to buzz all his hair off.
- I have never been able to high-five any other male. (Of course, I could just say "any other person" because males are the only ones who initiate high-fives.)
- I almost forgot! He's majoring in music and he sings bass. I barely believed that last part until I heard it. Like, whoa.
Kristen Landenberger cracks me up. I wish she lived on campus.
- Talks to me before, after and sometimes during science class. This is priceless.
- Facial expressions.
- She is so responsible. It's kinda sickening, actually. But in a good way.
Courtney just said, "Turn the window off." I could not neglect to record that.
Haven't forgot my own intention to continue that list.
26. I've got Jolly Ranchers.
27. Pop Rocks, as well.
28. Pencils and paper just pulse with life, don't they?
29. I am so less afraid than I was a year ago.
30. David Brackney. (Yes, that is a sentence! Leave me alone!)
31. I went on a walk with Sherrill once, somewhere in North Carolina, along a beach. I picked up a hermit crab and named it Alan.
32. Muffitt used to record cartoons onto VHS tapes and save them for my visits.
33. Courtney brought me into the fabric store so that she could use two coupons at once.
34. The Skillet cd comes out in about thirty hours.
35. I'm wearing nail polish. Well, except on one thumb.
36. I discovered today that I can bypass the ladder and switch directly from my bunk bed to the floor, and it is FUN.
Hmm... ibuprofen is starting to taste good to me. I would call this a foreboding sign.
I really want to write a story of some kind, but I don't know what I'd write. Maybe I should start with a very short fiction drawn directly from something real, so I can flex my brain without having to invent too much.
I miss my family.
"You hate me."
Yes, I hate you. I hate you because I like you. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn't. "No, I don't hate you."
"Well, you don't like me because you think I'm weird."
It's weird how nice your feet look when you're standing over me. "No, I don't think you're weird." I think I should be in a high-security prison.
He doesn't know!
"Amanda!! I haven't seen you anymore. Ever."
There's a reason for that. And I'm so not telling you.
He doesn't know.
"You're doing a lot of homework. You need to stop doing so much homework."
Haha... thanks for the advice. So we can be acquaintances after all?
If I don't blow it.
I'm gonna look back at this and shake my head.
First of all, I WAS RIGHT. Running away is just a leftover habit, but somehow it definitely triggers the problem. I feel fine if I keep myself from bolting.
Also, I had a thought the other day.
(Yeah!)
Our tongues have sections designed for sweetness, sourness and so on. If we had just one section each and we only could know the flavor of something all at once, then the depth of tastes -- as we experience them individually and roughly simultaneously -- would be impossible. The levels of a flavor are like the instruments in a song: if you couldn't tell one instrument from another, I think you'd just hear noise.