I am soiled.
I was left here in the muddy field on the day of my birth. My limbs flailed, dirty, naked, weakened from hunger and exhaustion. I lay in blood and cried, cried, cried for someone, anyone, to administer justice. I didn't think I could bear the abandonment. I didn't want to die so soon.
When finally I was no longer able to cry out at the sound of footsteps passing, and my vision had dimmed and my breathing become shallow, one pair of feet stopped beside me and I was lifted from the ground and wrapped in a garment too big for me: his coat.
Isa 9:2 The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine.
———————I grew up strong and joyful. My lover was all I needed; he washed the grime from my skin, and every day we rinsed my new clothes and then ate (extravagantly) at his table. Sunlight flooded our doorways on mornings, and the ghost of moonlight seemed to keep watch all night. His house was overflowing with life. I soaked it up, always hungry but never lacking.
My lover gave me a name. He called me Beautiful, and I knew he was right.
Rev 21:1-2 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.———————The marriage is a memory now. Like a dog I have returned to my own filth. And I know my own thoughts, but I don't know why. I don't know why I am the way I am.
I sought other lovers.
My depravity has crippled me. None of my lovers cared for me. None of my soul mates lasted more than one night. I have been known by so many names that no one can remember what I was really called-- including me.
21:3-4 I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, "Look, God's home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."———————My mud-encrusted limbs curl in and lock against my shivering, sweating body as I cry, cry, cry for someone, anyone, to somehow obstruct justice. I don't think I can bear to pay for what I've done. I don't want to die alone. I don't want it.
But I deserve it.
21:5 And the one sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!"———————I listen to the tired shuffling, the blind aimless marching, the dull thuds of heavy animal hooves as they pass.
I register a change in the light through my eyelids. One pair of feet stops beside me.
