Aquarium

I sink down to the suburb
A dead weight in my chest
Approach the house behind the curve
Where I was dispossessed
Into a new reality
I came up from the depths
But it would be the end of me
To let myself forget

The sun could not get past the ice
I'd never seen a world so dark
The water froze across my eyes
But it could only reach so far
The basement would have taken me
The winterkill would be my death
Had you not plunged into the sea
So Jesus, let me not forget

Romans 8:2   Because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.

Whatever you did not do

The operator on the line informed me darkly
"I believe an elephant is living in your home"
Wanted to believe that she was only joking
Wisely laughed and said to her that I was very much alone

I put down the phone and I picked up my book
A tail brushed my browbone but I didn't look

Oh my goodness, this is rich
My brain must be a giant itch
'Cause all I do is scratch my head
Is it my fault that hope is dead?
Excuse me as I utilize
My hands to cover up my eyes
I killed the moment, dunno why
I hope I get a second try

You were sitting lonely in the back of the room
I was just too cool for that and mostly insecure
You sat right across from me but I stared through you
Squeezing past the elephant, I made it to the nearest door

Oh my goodness, this is wild
I am like a feral child
Just lead me to a clearing where
Your presence doesn't make me scared
I'll get the phone, I'll call my house
I'll pick it up and call me out
Inform me of my elephant
And I will learn to deal with it

Yes, we could talk and enjoy the buffet
But I feel a little too ugly today

Oh my goodness, this is rich
Watch how fast I hit the bricks
Is there a place where I can go
To flee a giant animal?
Excuse me as I utilize
My hands to cover up my eyes
I killed the moment, dunno why
I hope I get a second try

Matthew 25:45   'When you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.'

Invisible roads

Dear whoever fails to post signs with street names on them:

I do not like you. Not even a little.

In other news, I have been working on my story again and I decided that it would be good to add music. To enhance the experience, you know. So with each chapter I plan to include a song that either 1) captures the emotion of that part of the story or 2) embodies the idea behind it. One or the other.

Tiiiime is on my side

The way some things change. :)

I stopped to leave space for a driver in the center lane who wanted to turn left through a long line of cars.

A dog floated by, ears flapping out the window. For a few seconds it didn't register, then I saw it like a replay.

Lois smiling and waving before plunging into the turn.

I laughed so hard that I felt like I would break in half.

Daniel

He was on the sidewalk behind the dorm today, using a wooden stick to shoot nuthins.

Kids make me stoked about life.

Yes, We Have Communication Problems But in This Case You Would Be Justified in Calling Me Cruel

We feast on our atrocities
And even silence is a thief
We vandalize our dignity
And speak in knives like enemies
I felled you like a giving tree
Don't read it like a tragedy
Don't be surprised at suffering
And please don't turn those eyes on me
Please

Proverbs 12:18   Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Cataracts

You nurse as many grudges as your
       chances to obtain them.
Your heart still bleeds from carving up
       the holes where you contain them.
You bandage till you're paralyzed
       with blacklists that you keep.
Your anger blocks the airways
       till you're fighting just to breathe.
I can't live in your paralife.
I'm dying to get out.
I'm sickened by your chronic
       diarrhea of the mouth.
You'd grieve the casualties if you
       could use your calloused eyes.
But all your tears are for yourself,
       and so, for now, goodbye.

Proverbs 27:3   Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.

Expectations

You've thrown out your metrics
        and all expectations you had.
The world is too big
        and the sane are the same as the mad.
The wind in your curtains
        is singing you nothing but jazz.

A sucker for chocolate
        but never know what you might get.
You'll stand up and take it,
        and nothing's too much for you yet,
'Cause God is the one thing
        you know you can always expect.

You've torn out the pages
        that hold all your fears about fate.
The unconcerned current
        will carry them far from the lake.
Or they might
        just get lodged
                in a dam and dis
                                          int
                                              e
                                                grate.

Romans 5:4-5   Character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Seams

You said a promise is a promise is a promise
I broke it apart and the inside came out
I said that some of them
Just aren't worth keeping
I know that you heard
Do you see what I'm seeing
A thousand little lies have spilled on the ground

Reminds me we're both scared that everything's like this
The sound of the seams giving way underneath
Or is that the ocean
Eroding my eardrums
The waves have no rhythm
At least I can't hear one
I hope that our God can still speak them to peace

The crickets all hush for a waterfront conflict
A stranger dismissed from the gate at the shore
A shadow slumps down
And descends with the water
When the sunrise walks into
The dark of the garden
And darkness can swallow the living no more

Genesis 8:1   God made a wind blow over the earth, and the waters subsided.

Gift request

God,

For my birthday, please send me some winged shoes.

If you won't do that, I would like some assistance getting over it.

Thanks.

Holiness has one name only

Sit with me
Lean on the wall
We're tired of talking
Tired of talk

Look at me
Don't say a word
We can speak colors
Colorful verse

Talk about God

Don't say a word

Smile with me
So good to be here
Don't fight the weeping
Pray with your tears

Talk about God

Talk about God

And don't you say a word

Jesus the one
Jesus the only
Here in our silence
Making it holy

Don't say a word

Ch 1: Sane

This is a draft!! And I may never finish it. Mom: Do you think this could be the start of a good short story? And yes, it is highly metaphorical.

Any sane person startles to the realization he has woken up here. It is the insane who sit back and call for applesauce. But after I push myself off the bed, dropping the mouthpiece to let it dangle, I am not sure where to go. I have no idea what to expect. My trachea could collapse, for all I know. I might die now.

"I might die now," I say out loud to myself. Something inside replies, Respirators are a promise not worth keeping. I agree. I choked on the tube when I woke up. Stupid respirators.

I seem to be alone. All I can see are the digital numbers and glowing red dots that surround my bed. All I can hear is the whirring and quiet beeping of machines. There has got to be a window in this place.

I hiss through my teeth as I remove the last tube from my left arm. Not really fond of opiates either, or anesthetics, or whatever it is. Stupid drugs.

Where is my night vision? I take a few steps forward. On the third one I meet with the edge of a table. My brief tactual exploration reveals nothing but a short plastic cup full of liquid, doubtless some kind of juice. I pick it up, sniff it. It actually smells like alcohol. I consider for a moment.

My throat is quite dry...

But not that dry.

After more shuffling around, I discover a door. It is smooth and cold with a bit of peeling paint here and there. I clutch the handle and lean against the wall, because I am beginning to realize that I have been dizzy since I woke up. Then I open the door slowly.

I am overwhelmed by more darkness, as well as a caustic, vaguely floral smell and the memory that accompanies it.

———————

“Yes, what do you need?”

That was an unusual greeting from a receptionist.

“I was wondering whether I could... well, I need a place to stay. Just tonight.”

“And what can I do for you, sweetie?”

I wasn't sure how to answer her. I'd just told her what she could do. Was this a trick question?

“Uhh... well. Could I stay here for the night? I realize you guys have, like, your rules and... everything, but it's a hospital and I thought maybe if I stay here in the lobby it won't be much of a problem.”

I was flustered by how eloquent I wasn't. I had thought hard about what I would say just before walking into that foul-smelling building, but all my thoughts seemed to have melted together into a lump. I had to wrest every word from that lump.

“You're from this area,” she stated.

She had caught me off guard. “Uh, no... I'm not, I live—”

“All right. Then we'll have your signature right here, it'll give us permission to take emergency measures should anything happen to you.”

I took it from her hand and had barely begun to read when she said, “Don't worry, sweetie. It's for your protection.”

Ashamed at my rudeness, I laid the paper on the counter and signed my name.

Under my skin

I have a history of second-guessing almost everything I feel and think.

Guess what? Life sucks when I am like that.

So now think about the old shirt that you won't throw out because it has become so comfortable. Or the black silhouettes of trees outside my window, the latest great food you discovered, the sound of piano music, the damp smell of dirt and new leaves in early spring. I mean my nephew's tiny feet running across the carpet. My nose frozen from walking out in the cold, my fingers thawing when I return, the neon green numbers on the microwave, and the shadows cast by a series of lampposts outside in the park.

Remember the handwriting of the people you love, their voices, their faces, the ways they move, their unique ways of being in the world. Think of the exhilaration of being chased in a game of tag, the relief and mad joy of being fully forgiven for hurting one of the people who mean the most to you.

I mean how it feels to be in my grandparents' basement with my little brother. I mean my older siblings joking cryptically with each other. I mean the act of breathing, late afternoon walks, the heat of the sun on your face, the pleasure of a gardener as he works, the woman who greets you when you walk into Wal-mart, the arms of a father rocking his baby, and that person in your life who somehow makes everybody feel welcomed and important.

I mean deep shades of blue-violet and pastel pinks and startling reds, the bright expressive patterns on an African tunic, stars in a clear black sky. I mean the reassurance, as I fall asleep at night, that God is with me, deeply in love with me, and listening hard as I pray for a fresher heart.

Lately, stuff has been getting under my skin and I am not doubting it. I will not suspect that the feeling is only the temporary emotional side effect of my perception-- not when something so huge is going on. I will not shrug off the fantastic presence of beauty when I meet it (that is to say, when I meet Him).

It seems cruel to load a couple of theoreticals onto someone with no effort to give them substance. So I wrote down some examples of beauty I have known. I hope you can relate to them. But I realize that no one sees exactly the same things as anyone else. If you have anything you want to add, I would be more than happy to see it in the comments.

Janus

Like petulant frost in the passion of June
If I were a bird I'd sing slightly off-tune
I can't be a bottle of watered-down wine
A half-open door till I make up my mind
A firefly dim and contained in a jar
Don't let me be someone with half of a heart
I know you'll arrive by some time yesterday
That's just a bit longer than I want to wait

Matthew 5:8   God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.

Strings

We woke to a nightmare of dangling limbs
In a colorless glow of perpetual dusk
Some of the time we were dancing for them
The rest of the time we were gathering dust

Blindsided when I first noticed your strings
I shouted at your wooden ears, "It's not true!"
But I had to fall to the stage to believe
My hands and my knees were as wooden as you

Slumped on the shelf like a pile of rocks
All of my joints and my hinges revealed
I called for the one who first taught me to walk
And asked nothing less than at last to be real


1 Thessalonians 2:4   Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.

100,000 words could not quite explain

152. Sarah Ageno reminds me of my mother.
153. Stephanie Maurice reminds me of Jenny.
154. Juna makes everybody feel important.
155. Piano is great.
156. Especially the minor keys.
157. A minimum of five different girls have/had crushes on Josh Williams.
158. Verdine gets this great expression on her face when amused.
159. Nikki is just fun. On a regular basis.
160. Clean drinking water never gets boring.
161. The music at Rochester First Assembly... yeah.
162. Mrs Reddick actually thanked me for being honest with her.
163. I still can't get over soybeans.
164. This school is fortunate to have Curtis Nguyen.
165. If conditions are right and I squint, I look a little like Mom.
166. I enjoy Laura banter.
167. I like my ceiling decorations.
168. Tiffany initiates conversations with me now.
169. Jessica is a great suitemate with her leisurely, coconut-scented, Jack Johnson ways.
170. I rediscovered Rebecca St James.
171. God is wonderful in so many ways that I can't even put into words.
172. We made rock candy with ROOT BEER FLAVORING.
173. Nick Timmer = breeder.
174. Justin's new song is fantastic. I was so excited to see a new one!

De'Angelo

"I really love your glasses."
A week before tonight.
You gave me back my smile, and
I thought you'd be all right.
What I saw behind the lenses
Might have clued me in
With time. But no one's ever told
What could have, would have been.

Murder

OMIGOSH I KILLED TIFFANY'S FISH

I left the window open while I was at the First Assembly church service. It started at 10:00. I thought I'd only be gone for an hour or two, but then Juna and I ate lunch at Michelle's and Jen's with Sheli. When I got back at 5:30 the room had acquired an icy sheen. I closed the window.

However, Tiffany and I could not get the room to warm up. It was still freezing at midnight, which is approximately when Fish (being a Betta and preferring tropical weather) sank to the bottom of his tank.

Though Tiffany laughs at me, I am planning for his burial ceremony.

And a clandestine visit to PetSmart.

Dear room heater,

That was an inappropriate time to stop working.

Sincerely,
Amanda

Memory #13

Once, when I was about four years old and travelling with Dad, we had to stop to find a restroom for me. It was probably late enough that most of the gas stations were closed. Dad found one, but the door to the bathroom was on the outside of the building. He had to ask for a key to open it.

Jenny and Justin waited in the car, I think. Dad and I walked in to find a singularly crummy-looking little bathroom. He looked frantic and told me I couldn't pee yet. I was embarrassed at the thought of using the toilet in front of my dad, but I was so desperate that I didn't really care, and I was displeased that he wanted me to wait. I begged him to just leave, or at least let me pee.

"You can't sit on that, it's filthy," he said, and began ripping toilet paper off and trying to lay it on the toilet seat. He couldn't cover the surface because the paper kept falling off into the water or onto the messy floor. He tried covering it in several different ways. I could see his frustration, but I didn't understand why the toilet offended him so badly, and I continued to plead. After a minute or two, he finally gave up and lifted me onto a seat strewn with segments of toilet paper like sparse paper maché. He looked truly defeated.

I thought he was being pretty silly at the time. Now I think it's one of the sweetest things I remember him doing.

Hey, Unfaithful

In a girls' meeting tonight Najeema talked about roses-- how we are like roses made of glass, not the kind that are made of fabric and wire. You can drop a cheap fake rose and bend it all over the place and it'll be fine; you would let a stranger handle it and not really worry about what might happen. But a glass rose is valuable, fragile. It matters what you do with it. Too bad not many of us realize what we are.

Change of gears... The image of the rose reminded me of the Beauty and the Beast story and how I have been fascinated with it since Christmas. I have realized that

• I am the Beast, and


• Jesus visits twice:


1. once as the beautiful stranger, disguised as an old beggar, who introduces me to the poverty of my own soul and makes my ugliness unavoidable


2. again as the beautiful stranger whose arrival is desired and feared, who enters the forbidden room where I keep my wilting hope, who transforms me into something lovely by loving me.

Najeema gave me a glass rose. I put it in the window. It reminds me of how I am loved without cause and (sorry, Robert Frost) that makes ALL the difference.

Lyrics to "Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape" by Underoath:

I heard a voice through the discord
Of a deluge of passers-by
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering

"Hey, Unfaithful, I will teach you
To be stronger (to be stronger)
Hey, Ungraceful, I will teach you
To forgive one another"

Here's my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?
Oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

"Hey, Unfaithful, I will teach you
To be stronger (to be stronger)
Hey, Ungraceful, I will teach you
To forgive one another
Hey, Unfaithful, I will teach you
To be stronger (to be stronger)
Hey, Unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you"

And Jesus I'm ready to come (home!)
(Jesus, I'm ready)
I'm ready to come home, home, home, home
I'm ready to come

"Hey, Unfaithful
Hey, Ungraceful
Hey, Unloving
I will love you
Hey, Unloving (hey, Unloving)
I will love you"

Thanksmas

Sick of the mud that was under my nails
Of choking and crawling and getting more scared
Couldn't recall how I'd tunneled to there
Or how it had felt when I'd had enough air

You found me stifled by thinking and wondering
With blood on my hands and dirt in my mouth
Could I ever deserve to live above ground?
But deeper than questions you just called me out

I laid down my head on top of your heart
Your life became mine and the tears began
Breathing and being came easy again
And I saw my wounds in the scars on your hands

You named the stars and you gave me a name
You hold me up now like the lights in the sky
Your goodness is raging like fire in my mind
Your love songs have taught me to rest in the night

My love for you, Love, is an expression of yours
The echo of words that you spoke in my soul
The beauty I have is the mark of your own
These beautiful places are now what I know