Zomigosh

There's no feeling quite like it when you're 100% sure you're gonna die, and then you don't.

But it's really close when you think you have an exam the next day, and then you don't.

Memory #12

Late March. An attractive little parcel, filled with trinket toys: lying unwrapped on a table next to the door in the sewing room.

"Muffitt?"

The sewing machine quiets momentarily.

"Yes, Amanda?"

"What's this?"

My grandmother turns. I am pointing at the toys. I hope the desperation doesn't show on my face.

She returns to her work. "It's a present."

"For who?"

"For a girl I know," she says. "I like her a lot."

A long pause, filled with strange humming and clacking noises from the machine. I feel confused and a little jealous. Some girl? This is my grandmother, after all.

"Why?"

"It's her birthday soon."

I think I hear a smile in her voice, but I cannot read between the lines without risking grave misinterpretation. "Oh," I murmur. "When's her birthday?"

"The same day yours is. Isn't that neat?"

For a few more moments I stand in the doorway, watching the back of her head. Then I retreat into the hallway.

Darn it.

Lice and rats. HAHA

I borrowed a thought from Captain Obvious.

I've been thinking that just about every moment of my life could be characterized as a moment of conflict. Rarely am I not conflicted. Every time I do something, it's because one value or feeling motivates me more than another. For example:

1. I pause and look at the first round table in the cafeteria. I want to talk to a couple of the people sitting there, but I haven't been able to shower yet, and I might smell. My perception is perhaps skewed... I suddenly feel like I'm crawling with lice and rats. So I sit by myself and eat quickly, but it is a hard decision. My desire to be viewed as "clean" and "considerate" just barely outweighs my desire to socialize.

2. I'm at Meijer, and I see a freshman student who is quiet and shy. I have had a couple of conversations with her. She's walking with a friend, and she doesn't see me. I want to acknowledge her, to wave cheerily. But sometimes I feel uneasy when someone calls attention to me in front of other people. Maybe she would feel that way? I continue shopping. My fear of offending her surpasses my desire to affirm her.

And so on. So I guess if, instead of just doing what I currently believe I want to do, I concentrate on what I actually want most, then I'll end up doing less stupid crap.

The semester's first House of God session was Tuesday night. The panelists discussed baptism. I heard very little that I hadn't already thought about, and very little that I really wished to think about again, as the topic is lacking in the "clear answer" department, and everyone seems to want a clear answer. By the end, the panelists were so tense and stiff that you could've tied a hammock to them and taken a nap. I bit off most of my nails.

I miss my family.